There Is No “I” In Partner

There Is No “I” In Partner

Ephesians 5:25-33
Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. After all, no one ever hated their own body, but they feed and care for their body, just as Christ does the church— for we are members of his body. “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.” This is a profound mystery—but I am talking about Christ and the church. However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.
  • What is your main responsibility toward your wife?
  • What is the real cause of failure, ultimately, in marriage?

4 Principles Of Loving Your Spouse:

Showing Attention

1 Thessalonians 5:11
Encourage one another and build one another up.
  • Will a couple chat while they eat lunch? If they do, they are repairing and building connection
  • In strong marriages, couples are always making overtures for each other’s attention, affection, humor, or support.
  • Each person responds to each overture either by turning toward the spouse or turning away. A tendency to turn toward your spouse is the basis of trust, emotional connection, and passion.

Increasing Trust

Proverbs 27:17
As iron sharpens iron, so one person sharpens another.
  • Emotionally intelligent husbands have figured out how to convey honor and respect. 
  • Emerson Eggerichs “Crazy Cycle,” a woman’s number one need is to feel cherished and loved, and a man’s number one need is to feel respected. If a wife doesn’t feel loved by her husband, she reacts by not showing respect for him. Then he responds to that lack of respect by not loving her.
  • If you respect your wife’s ability in areas that she is better at, she will likely give you authority in areas that you are better at.

Deepening Connection

James 1:19
My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry.
  • Reunite at the end of the day and talk about how it went.
  • Take your partner’s side. This means expressing support even if you think his or her perspective is unreasonable. Don’t back the opposition! Let him or her complain.
  • When you understand someone’s childhood, you understand them.

Making Peace

Romans 12:10
Love one another with brotherly affection. Outdo one another in showing honor. 

sometimes people think that fixing their marriage or having a better marriage is just so much work that you have is just too much water under the bridge and you really don’t feel like you can really do anything to fix it you don’t think your spouse is going to do anything to fix it and she just cried make decisions from there nothing is good but sometimes it just it’s such a weight like that I heard about a couple long time gone I’ve never forgotten the story and it was a young couple and they just fought fought fought and I kept thinking it’s going to get better and it never got better the kids I became involved and just more confident more complicated he was very upset with his wife she was very upset with her husband and finally and just exasperation they decided that they’re just going to split up
he needs to go live somewhere else and so he’s okay I’m go live somewhere else she says no no leave now don’t wait and see why I don’t have anywhere to go he says I’ll leave in a week though and she says okay and you better not be here a day longer than a weekend you said okay I will be your day long in a week and so he left that night it’s kind of a mope around and yeah he’s going to be gone that’s the end of that life and everything he knew and you didn’t know what was going to happen after that he’s wondering what about what’s going to happen and think about the kids got to thinking about the house today and how house is not easy to maintain house got lots of problems so we went back home and he says but this house is
there’s a lot of things I need to get done and so I’ll do those things and there’s anything you see that you want me to do I’ll do that for this week and then I’ll be gone she goes well I’m not used to you doing anything so I don’t know why you’re going to do anything now and he said okay and so he gave him a list and I clean out the garage fix the the water hose on the ice maker on a refrigerator fix the car that was falling apart that little post the walls and goes around that some lights around the house so things like that you got started on it is it okay if she’s still very upset with him and all but that’s what he’s doing is going to fix some stuff and then one day in the midst of this he knows where she drives away you know sooner brake lights out on her tail light and so he gets in his car and then goes to the auto parts store and buys the lightbulb in and then no heat
gross vs. going to so he drives over there and then pop the hood and fixing the the the taillight the trunk and she comes out and she is trying to work it out she’s furious at what my gosh what are you doing here to come down on these says no no I’m just here at the tail light was out and I wanted to fix that and she goes home okay okay so that was the end of that and then next time she sees is that the garage is did get clean nose at the water hose in the fridge was was it leaking anymore and that the back Garden a barrier thing that was standing up straight and true that she’s at the end there the week as you know and he says oh yeah that would really help me out you know that would be good cuz I haven’t found a place that sounded okay you stay one more week but then you’re out oh yeah
what happens right he kept working and and next thing you know she has to get home you can just stay but what I’ve learned over the years yes it really is that simple some of the things it’s not all of the things that we fight about as couples are really simple things and sometimes just changing the simple things changes everything you know you’ve got to go to counseling you got to go see the greatest psychiatrist in the world to take care of the problems that you have a lot of chemicals that you fix you know a lot of psychotherapy you know about to come back from the grave to fix your right and in reality it’s not that it’s a lot simpler to lot it’s all little teeny things like I heard on the radio this week about this British
do that just could run hundreds of miles and her choices for four people should be in mental asylums like that and how do you prepare for a Racino 150 Mi race and she knows I don’t know if somebody ever told me that I could never do what I could never even get out of bed to be so overwhelmed by how do you run those races she says well I I can run 50 feet and so that’s what I prepare for everyday when I get up in the morning to train I can’t run 2 mi but I can run 50 ft and that’s what I do I run my 50 and just as soon as she said that was the philosophy of her entire life just break it down into smaller steps and I got to think about that since you know that’s
that’s a good metaphor for everything in life if you just break it down you can pretty much do anything get through anything he can learn anything just break it down in his little steps right and so I was I was thinking about that and in preparation to smash I thought you know that that’s one of those things that things are so overwhelming but honestly it’s just a few things a few change it anybody can make any Trace to make it just really takes a good heart changes the right attitude in order to make these changes I’m going to I read to you out of Ephesians chapter 5 Section verses 25 through 33 but as I read it I want you guys to pay attention to two questions that I’m going to ask you at the end of it number one is because it’s written two husbands I want to say husband but what do you call Ply two wives but I’m going to say husband’s what is as a husband what is your main responsibility towards your wife number one number two and what is the real cause of failure ultimate
marriages are going to ask these questions are answered very clearly hear husbands love your wives just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to see her by the washing with water through the word and to present her to himself as a Radiant Church Without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish but holy and blameless in the same way husbands or wives as their own bodies loves his wife loves himself after all no one ever hated their own body but they feed and care for their body price does the church for we are members of his body for this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be United to his wife and the two will become one flesh this is a profound mystery but I’m talking about Christ and the church however each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself and the wife must respect her husband
the Apostle Paul is he is encouraging Ephesians here to learn the lessons of Salvation and leave that out in their marriage what did God do for you so it starts off right here our husbands love your wives as Christ loved the church so the first question that I asked was what is your main responsibilities towards your wife and I would say if I was to just go you know to a man in the street kind of interview I would expect a lot of people to say well you know I’m the head of the house I’m in charge of making sure that everything gets paid for I’m the one that provides this I’m the one that protects that you know those kinds of things but all very clearly says no no that’s not your your role that’s not your main responsibility your main responsibility is it repeatedly clarify Berry here husbands love your wives your main responsibilities as a husband if that your only responsibility as I want is to love your wife
very clearly I know we all like to do that to do things right other things were you know let me watch that a lot of to do is do it and that’s the most important to love your wife that’s what it’s all about love your white that’s what marriage is it’s a loving of your wife in the same thing of course with a with wives love your husband here at the very end it says why I respect your husband will talk to text on that very lightly and then the second question is what is the real cause of failure ultimately in your marriage well it’s never changed his from Adam and Eve up to today and then replay in and then billions of times problem in every relationship is the self it’s the focus on the south it’s the desire for the self it’s what the self want is what the self has Ambitions for the expectations that the South has that’s what kills every relationship that’s what kills every organization that’s why things go from good to bad because of the prevalence and the imposition of
self on everything and as Christians we have learned over through Jesus Christ that it’s the reduction of the self that improves everything it’s moving other people hire and serving the needs of other people and caring about me loving Jesus Christ gives us a tremendous example here of loving how was your lover as fast as he loved the church and the problem with the self into fixing that and his solution here is is that Jesus did you imagine was he went to the cross for the church do everything including death in order to to satisfy in order to love the wife would love is church the bride and the same way he’d had no selfishness he did not do anything to protect himself when he went to the cross it was all out of love all out of Karen so that’s that’s the high standard that god holds for us I want to share with you for principals these are not magic principles I don’t think there’s just four but these are for and I can only speak
experience and from what I’ve learned over the years and from the resources iPad and the interactions I’ve had I can share so I would say is I was thinking about this I narrowed it down to yeah yeah these four are good they’re going to have a pretty good but I think a four principles of loving your spouse for principles of loving your spouse’s number one showing attention 1st Thessalonians 5 5:11 it’s very simply to raise their courage one another and build one another up encourage one another and build one another up we all know that in marriage or in any relationship it is very easy to be so focused on yourself and at some point in your mind determine that the other person isn’t of any benefit
to you so what do you do don’t don’t come by and don’t say Hey you know thank you for you know buying groceries today and your response might be something like well if you would have bought him then I would have had them gone done that but since you don’t do your job then I got to go do that
or maybe it’s something else maybe somebody did something for you you know I was able to pay this bill that we had I noticed it was at the bottom but I found it and I paid it and well if you wouldn’t keep so much crap around then I wouldn’t lose these things it’s really hard to find everything with you messing everything up and keeping such a place a mess okay I’m so you know another one might be you know you throw a surprise birthday party for your spouse and everything just goes really well and you both look so happy that you’re thinking wow didn’t I do well you get in the car to go home or so says I never want you to embarrass me like that again don’t you ever do that again that was so embarrassing everybody lookin at me
okay you’re right those are all very typical situations things that happened things that I would dare say all of us are very guilty of but these are things that turn people away from us these These are overtures in an effort to say hey let’s get along hey let’s be friends hey let’s see the best and what is that it’s received in a very negative way that’s just your own choice to receive in a negative way and that’s going to destroy the marriage but if you receive it in a positive way it’s going to build the marriage and so that’s what I’m talking about here is it is having this
how did this commitment overtures and showing this attention to somebody but it’s not always important to do that but it’s also important and how you receive it so your friend since somebody you’re with your spouse and there they are and you would say hey how is work and then they would say wow it was really bad it was really hard you know it was I didn’t like it oh okay see what happened was there’s an overture to try to show some attention to build something to try to and the response was very positive hey I bought you a car freshener for your car 00 and I appreciate that thank you very much that’s really great and thank you
and maybe another one would be you set your secrets about sitting there and you go and you get some tea a cup of tea say it would you like a cup of tea yeah and it’s just so simple I’m turning around and showing that level of appreciation like that and the opposite is so destructive but when you accept that over surely accept that attention in that the desire to just connect you know when you sometimes you just looking for something to have a connection right that’s so important that it is made but also that it is received well and encouraged the second thing I want to share
my second principle that when share is increasing trust is Proverbs 27:17 as iron sharpens iron so one person sharpens another
it’s been awhile since I’ve told the story of how I met on me and our church here someday I’ll do it again but we arrived at this church as a single pastor and and then Army and I threw a long story short started dating and what happened was was people were really nice they would invite our men died over to their house and and I think they wanted to see you know if we could get along or maybe they could help us get along or something like that
remember what time we went to this guy’s house and Ruben just lives just around the corner here and he had a game and it was ahead game and I’m usually pretty good at head games and I can figure this thing out what you had to do is it going to head to know what your what your partner was going to do or your opponent I can’t remember how it played out I got this and I lost the first round and I said my gosh she knew that what I was going to do because of her okay I can handle that so she knows what I’m going to do because of what she’s going to do so then I’m going to go do something different on that one I’m going to win this was so I went back into it and I lost that round how that and I looked over at her she’s got this grin was like yeah not a problem
okay okay so she thinks she knows what I’m going to do and she knows that I’m thinking she knows what I’m going to do and she knows that I’m going to do something different because she thinks that I’m going to do this on the second and I and I went down and it got you like four or five levels of this and I couldn’t keep up I said what where am I picking what where does this happen and I’m like kind of getting nervous on this thing I hate to lose and I’m looking over at her and she’s just as calm as always get out sitting there beating me and I realized she’s smarter than me
that’s an awful realization to have that made me very uncomfortable I feel like walking out I don’t know no and I have tested the theory out over the years and I just accept it you got a higher IQ than I do she sees things better than I do that’s just the way it is well
lots of times when somebody is with somebody it’s something and I I guess it’s every time of course but many times I think all of us would agree lot of times it’s a husband that has a really smart wife but isn’t all that thrilled and lot of times with a husband will do well don’t he’ll find ways to show that she’s really not that smart and your kind of manipulate things or ignore it or like how you just put her down and installed her in all kinds of ways and that’s not in any way you want to look at it right that’s not showing trust in your spouse and God calls us here to be as iron sharpens iron and I think in all of history people have always done better together some people have strength in this area some people have drinks and that area it’s never been about one person having all the strength we
governments and throughout history that a try to be everything that only the Monarch once or hear me saying the other the other the dictator wants it all depends on what that one person one and what happens if those those dictatorships fall they just cried so much misery and suffering for everybody as a pastor I try to just fulfill my room stay in my lane and I have a lot of associate pastors here at this church and my girl really is to create an environment where they can Thrive and do what they’ve got to do and I don’t try to fund them or try to protect them try to make everything work right you know keep everything organized in a big picture I don’t try to unite try to appreciate the good that they bring to this place and not hinder that I want to be a benefit not a problem to that I’ve had people throughout my career as a pastor now over 30 years and then I’ve been in a lot of churches charge cuz you’re not that you need a visa center person of
when people look at our church they need to know that you are the center that you are the senior pastor and you need things need to be going the way you want them to go and you need to do this and I know you don’t want me to do that cuz I don’t have a clue how to do anyting else it so just let me sit here and let me appreciate what other people do you know I’ve had a very successful Pastor when it comes to working with staff and other people like that I mean unusually successful like that and yesterday I think that when it came to light and I saw it that’s why I was thinking about that are good people and it’s the best to just allow people to be who they are and bring the very best out of them it has a lot to do with what today is it true that we are called emotional intelligence it has to be an aware of somebody’s feelings and aware of
how they are feeling and aware of what is going on are there is a there’s a book in their head there’s a book that I read many years ago and it’s called love and respect and it’s a fantastic book I would recommend it to buy Emerson eggerichs I can’t remember that write love and respect what he has and what the crazy cycle is is that and it is basic point is he takes her from this verse that you know husbands should love their wives and why should respect their husbands basically because why is love to be loved and husbands love to be respected that’s that’s based the premise of it because what happens is when a when a husband doesn’t love his wife she react by not respecting him and then when he doesn’t get respect from her he turns around and shows less love to her well when she receives less love from him she turns around she was even less respect the crazy cycle
cuz it just goes and goes and goes and at some point somebody in the marriage got to stop the crazy cycle and say regardless of what you think of every guy’s how you treated me this is what I am going to do so now I’m going to follow through on our on this and understand it in my relationship and I’m thinking over the decades I would say men not realizing how smart their wives are and just letting it be what it is I’ve seen a lot of chaos that happened and I just say it’s just for my husband me that’s not the truth but in my own experience I have noticed as I thought I said wow why was really do got it and get it together and both are needed you know what I mean and households you have to have the dad and the mom for for a lot of things to go right especially the kids but anyways
deepening connection is my third one defending those connections James 1:19 my dear brothers and sisters take note of this everyone should be quick to listen slow to speak and slow to become angry
we do just the opposite isn’t it we’re so quick to speak and we are so slow to listen we don’t listen and man we become angry fast and I’ve got all the fingers pointed at me for this and it’s very important deepening the connections with our spouse and the setting them thinking about this is I think ideally at the end of the day if your schedules can work this out at the end of the day have a conversation about how the day went just to catch up figure out how things are going what does things look like what are you doing you’re deepening those connections you’re learning about their lives you’re you’re you’re figuring out how they think about things you know we all change I changed your spouse’s change your kids change over time and so keeping up on a daily basis how many conversations is really important one thing that it will happen in these conversations which is expected and
it even be encouraged is that your spouse is going to start complaining about something
now what happens very often when a wife complains to the husband even if it’s not about him but it’s about a like a work situation or family situation we all know what the husband does right we all know it’s a husband has solutions for this all your complain about this what I can fix that this is what you need right and that never works there needs to be some space in the conversation where people are allowed to complain and just complain and not have the other spouse say something just to discredit their complaining it needs somebody just needs a little to complain without being complained about you don’t have me just be able to just let me say my piece and the best thing that anybody can do and that is to have your spouse come right alongside you and say yeah I can’t believe they did that
horrible people you know what when your spouse does that it creates so much joy in your heart you think so too yeah anybody would really
right it’s so peaceful it’s so nice and you just grow together complaining about things together it’s really good we like to think what I would have never sent you know what if you can be happy complaining about something at some point it was not complaining about it you know it’s not going to go on forever cuz it it’s it’s fine right and it’s so important I think for spouses to come alongside each other even if it’s something that you know is the dumbest thing in the world even if you know that your spouse is the only reason this is happening even if you know all the snow throw all that out the window cuz nobody cares about what is right or what is wrong the only thing that really matters is how does your spouse feel well right now they feel pretty alone they feel pretty vulnerable they feel pretty exposed they feel very at risk and you know what your job is is to come
songs I didn’t say you’re not alone you’re not exposed you’re not at risk we’re here together we’re going to do this thing together and then make sure that your spouse has oh okay we’re going to be fine for a plus just let it go. That’s what your job is I love that
and this is my tip for this and I’m going over time and I’m really sorry but this is a really tip that means a lot to me and I and it might mean something to you I don’t know but one way to really deep in the connection with your spouse is to learn about their childhood
if you really want to know who I was I mean like really at the core of it find out about my childhood pacifically the ages of 8213 I don’t even try to think about that but if you were to get into my head and understand my childhood from both those pretty much those years
you would have carte blanche you would know more about me than I know about myself and a lot of times we just kind of overlooked people shower. So you went to elementary school yeah so did I and so did I owe you know right and it’s like what really happens in a child’s life in those agent it’s very very significant and once you can figure that out and begin to see from their perspective how perhaps our parents treated them or perhaps other brothers and sisters treated them perhaps our students teacher might have treated them you can now see why some of the behaviors are the way they are and that is really important and I don’t know of any other way cuz you can sit there and why did you do this why did you that you’ll never know but if you could get in their head and understand their child in to see it from their perspective it would make miles of Headway there on that little tidbit and then the last one making peace
and I really believe this is very important
I got this Romans 12 chapter 10 back in all the world is fantastic special this chapter love one another with brotherly affection outdo one another is showing honor outdo one another and showing honor
start a little bit on you know caring mostly about the feelings of people I want to go back to that that is very very important we live in an age where we’re allowed to do that now was a few years decades ago if that or any less than that we were never allowed talk about feelings and we all suffered because of it things did not go well as a result of it a lot of bad things happen but I do believe that as we’re more in tuned and thinking about hey what’s going on what’s Happening and so I would say when your spouse says something and and their attitude is not pleasing to you and it’s even on the abrasive side you know what try to look beyond that try to hear it for what it is and try to get out what is she feeling or what is he thinking I what’s going on here in this situation and try to pick that out for all the emotional noise and try to understand what is what’s motivating this if she she probably lost something you know if he’s angry
you got some kind of barrier he feels he can’t get by what are those things find those out so we can so that we can create a piece if you’re in our home and for each other there is a baseline of emotions that everybody has I think it’s very important I have a Baseline and and I I would say probably 90% of my life is lived in pretty much the same emotional level you know I’m okay with it I’m okay with that but every once in a while something will happen to my emotional right and I’m just crazy mad and I’ll and then what happened give it some time right good meal or good night sleep and my mother comes back to Baseline and a lot of times that’s what our relationships are with other people it’s allowing for those emotions to go woo and then not engage me with them at that high level of stress right weight for
most come back down the bass line wait for that time to come understand that comes the second one is this for us whose emotions Skyrocket sometimes try to lessen the time that it takes to get back down to our Baseline that’s controlling your emotions part of mature and started growing up learn to control our emotions yes oranges going to Skyrocket everyone’s not absolutely they are but it doesn’t have to last before ever lessen the time that it lasts get back to your Baseline fast as you can and restore peace to your home restore peace to your home I want to end here with a video because it got into my head many years ago and I think about it a lot too crazy video I was one day this is an option 12 years ago remember in the old days Music Channel surf you just sit there with your remote control for all the 500 channels and I came across this sea
and I soon learned that it was from an episode on TV called Desperate Housewives and what caught my attention was this wife yelling at this husband and he was trying to do everything she was yelling at him to do so he was raining over here you know picking this up run it over there getting that fixed. And she’s just young and he’s just doing it all and then the camera goes to the neighbor who’s watching this happen is all take place in the front yard and you can tell the neighbor was very disappointed in this husband man what kind of a man are you going to do this and I and I wondered too I said what kind of a guy is this and so I found the clip my head and this is where the neighbor he insulted his wife and her husband with the neighbor said
wife try to smooth things over to make peace and this is not a conversation they had
hey Roy I talk to you
if it’s about me getting into it with your wife do I have to stop here first so say I’m sorry well thanks I mean I know the man still a man and you deserve to have your wife respect you she respects me for
here’s the thing you got to understand about Lynette
she grew up without a Dad or Mom was drinker so she had to be responsible for everyone that’s rough with this constant fear that everything could suddenly fall apart and that’s why she needs to control everything
of course you can nobody can buy
and controlling me
if I let her
so I do
it makes her feel safe
and that is my job
as her husband
Heather mascoe
if you’ll excuse me I have a hamburger statue
I read the comments after the YouTube video and it was all that is what love is that is a good husband it was just thousands of comments affirming that and I tell you it’s not husbands and wives it goes both ways all of us are damaged
from difficult situations some more chaotic than others
sometimes the spouse that God has given you
it’s because God wants you to play a part in their healing
it might be the job of your life it might be the only thing you accomplish his life because it’s just so encompassing so be it
God has given us her spouse’s to love he’s made it very clear in his word
and the first thing is is our spouse so they didn’t come ready-made so they didn’t come perfect so you got a limit
that’s part of it you’re a lemon too and we should be dedicated to helping our spouses get through the difficulties of life
I’m still getting through things I’m 57 years old because he ate here in a little bit and I’m still getting through stuff it’s a lifelong process
I’m still learning things every day about my wife she’s learning things everyday about me although there’s a lot more about me than I do
it’s a lifelong thing and I think it’s all wrapped up in that love your wives love your wife love your husbands love your husband’s this is what God put us on her through these are the people that God has put immediately for us to connect with and care about and these are for little ways that I recommend but those in a practice and I really believe that your life will begin to change in your marriage will change for heavenly father thank you so much for the day that we had to think about things so many topics are a little bit difficult emotional and it’s hard for people to say am I the problem am I the reason is it myself is most destructive thing in this marriage I pray for that all of us would would be open to that possibility and and own it and I’m really ask you for your guidance your Holy Spirit to lead us toward not a single one of us know how to be a good spouse we rely upon your your Holy Spirit to transform our hearts and to change us that we are able to love like you do give us a device
love for our spouses a holy love for others the way you have for us thank you Lord for the joy that we have in marriage isn’t for the blessing that they are Lord I pray for relationships and marriages are not our relationship so I pray for future marriage and I pray for the future blessing of their marriages in our church in the family that will have the effect upon the children and ask for your blessing to be up on that thank you Lord for all the ways that you are at work and people’s lives the name of Jesus we pray amen